dari mata turun ke hati dada

It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand.

Ok. Forget what I just told you.

I ain't gonna tell you about 'guns' anyway. But, yes! Am gonna tell you about how hard it is to be a man. So bear with me, while I try to compose myself straight.

Take a deep breath, jiGO! Take a very deep breath!!

Trust me, my dear comrades, it's even harder talking to a well-endowed girl. Especially, when she is not properly buttoned up.

The thing is, if you look at her chest instead of her eyes, people would think that you're a 'gatal' type. But heii... who wanna miss a free good show?!

But how do you feel if the 'well-endowed girl' is your wife? And the eyes that looking down at her chest are not yours?

Damn!! Rasa macam nak cungkil biji mata orang tu dengan sudu!! Grr.. grrrr.. grrr...

Well, it's normal for a man to look at sexy girls. And at the same time, it's perfectly normal if he gets mad when other men looking at his wife.

Paradox? Go figure!

it ain't my fault.

it really ain't my fault!

derita, seksa dan aib selepas mati

puisi sebaris tok rimau menarik minat aku.

Mayat tidak peduli peluru yang menembusi kepalanya tetapi dia sering tertanya, "Kenapa sampai hati orang yang memetik picu?"

secara kebetulan, pada hari yang sama, berita yang memualkan tentang kehidupan seksual noritta dan pendedahan forensik tentang apa yang terjadi pada saat-saat kematiannya terpampang di muka akhbar.

aku tak berniat menambah garam pada lauk yang dah sedia masin. sana sini orang bercakap mengumpat tentang noritta. habis segala aibnya tidak dapat disembunyikan lagi. bangkai gajah manakah yang boleh ditutup dengan sehelai lalang?!

perbicaraan yang sedang berjalan ini, mampu merungkai sebahagian misteri kematian yang begitu mengaibkan itu satu persatu. hari demi hari, kita didedahkan dengan berita yang mengejutkan. pendedahan ini jauh lebih pantas dari masa yang perlu diambil si mati semasa hidupnya untuk menanggalkan pakaian. segala dosa dan noda terus terbongkar. aku tak mahu sentuh tentang seksa kubur dan balasan yang bakal diterimanya di seberang sana akibat perbuatannya. kau lebih arif tentang itu.

dah bertaubat ke? tidakkah terlintas dalam kepala otak kau, nyawa juga boleh dicabut sebaik saja selesai berzina? mana letaknya iman? sudah jadi mayat, tapi mayatnya bukan sahaja perlu dibedah siasat. lebih dari itu, terpaksa pula melalui perbicaraan yang memaparkan perbuatan keji si mayat semasa hidup.

apa rasanya?

aib bertimpa-timpa bukan saja pada si mati, tapi pada keluarga, jauh dan dekat. inikah apa ibu si mati mahukan bila melahirkannya satu masa dulu? inikah apa bapa si mati mahu bila berhempas pulas mencari wang untuk membesarkan si mati? inikah balasan yang wajar diterima setelah anak mereka mati? ke mana menghilang 'anak yang baik' yang dulunya dibangga-banggakan?

hidup ini, jangan dikaburkan dengan limpahan kemewahan dan kebaikan yang tidak bertempat (yang sepatutnya diragui). sudah terlewat untuk menterbalikkan masa ke zaman silam. kita cuma mampu untuk memperbaiki hidup yang bakal kita lalui kelak.

kini, aib dan aib terus timpa menimpa. seksa dan derita bersilih ganti hingga tiada perkataan yang bisa menggambarkan keperitan yang terpaksa ditanggung oleh keluarga si mati.

namun begitu, jangan salahkan peluru yang terbang setelah picu ditarik. jangan salahkan sang penembak. picu mesti ditarik untuk memberi peluang pada peluru mencari kebenaran. pelacur yang mati terkangkang juga perlukan keadilan.

semasa rayau-rayau di dunia siber sambil mencari idea untuk menulis, aku terbaca satu pengakuan yang tidak kurang menariknya di Volume of Interaction: Murder.

Posted by: sinneraswell on December 31, 2003 01:46 PM

Let me be honest here. I could've been Noritta 10 years ago. A case of been there and done that. Before you start labelling as 'loose' or 'slutty', let me ask you this... have you ever been young and reckless? The right phrase to describe will be the feeling of invincibility. The thought and notion that you can do no wrong. Boy! was I wrong to think that....

Some brief background, my dad is a Dato', I attended a renowned residential school and pursued my degree in Melbourne and MBA in London. Why am I telling this? Because that's where my differences with Noritta end.

Other than that, we led a similar lifestyle. Yes..I indulged in casual sex. Sometimes, for money...other times, just for the thrills of trying.

Looking back..I realised that, I never ever thought of myself as a slut. I was merely enjoying my young life. Yes, I know now how fleeting those moments could be...but not then. Not when you were the 'belle of the ball'..not when you could click your fingers and guys came kneeling to you...

One night when I was 21, back in Malaysia for my vacation, I met this guy. I used to have a crush on him since I was 17. To cut the story short, I went out with him and ended in his apartment in Bangsar. When I went in, there were three other guys waiting and immediately, they jumped on me. Except for one guy (to whom I'm eternally grateful till today) who looked from afar. The three guys tied my hands and stuffed socks in my mouth. When they tried to rip my clothes off, the guy who didn't participate yelled stop. When they didn't, he took a parang and ordered them to stop. They did...he untied my hands and took me to a taxi stand. What he said to me that night made me a different person. He said,'Should anything happen to you...who will explain to your parents? The police? Your friends? Who will tell them what really happen?'

That morning, I went back to my parents home. Mom spoke to Dad 'Told you she'll be back...I know my daughter...'

Noone really knows you except yourself and God.

Now that I'm married and with two kids..I often wonder if what goes around, comes around. Will my daughter fall into that 'young, wild and free' trap? Nauzubillah.....

segala puji bagi Allah! syukur kepadaNya, kerana masih mahu memberi peluang untuk kami bertaubat sebelum terlambat. terima kasih juga kerana sentiasa memberi peringatan pada kami dari masa ke semasa. sesungguhnya kamilah yang menzalimi diri kami sendiri.

ampunilah kami. terimalah taubat kami. ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan kami dalam kesesatan dan kerugian.

kembali ke zaman akan datang

aku ketawa terkekeh-kekeh membaca blog aku budak setan.



blognya berkisar tentang dunia remaja (atau lebih tepat tentang ketidakupayaan mengawal kestabilan hormon).

blog aku budak setan luahan jiwa yang jujur. walaupun jujur adalah sifat yang terpuji (kerana kejujuran tidak boleh sama sekali disamakan dengan sifat hipokrit) tapi sesekali kena juga diawasi kerana sesetengah kejujuran boleh meninggalkan kotoran degil dalam kotak pemikiran pembaca.

walaupun begitu, aku benar-benar kagumi gaya penceritaan dan lenggok penulisan Jo. bersahaja dan lebih dari selalu memang nakal (kadang-kadang terlampau juga kenakalannya). kenakalannya terserlah dalam dialog-dialog 'stream of consciousness' yang dicondongkan.

tapi seperti yang aku cakap tadi, blog ini memang jujur. tidak perlu berpura-pura baik kalau dah memang setan. kalau ada yang tidak gemar dengan kejujurannya, boleh juga tinggalkan nota untuk Jo, jika dia selalu berfikir dengan menggunakan k*neknya 'adiknya'! ha ha ha!!

sebaik sahaja habis membaca segala arkib blog ini, aku tertanya-tanya adakah Jo benar-benar seorang remaja yang sukar mengawal hormonnya ataupun seorang yang sudah cukup dewasa tapi berkeras mahu mengembalikan kesegaran dunia remaja dalam hidupnya.

walau siapapun Jo ni, dan walau di manapun dia berada, aku ucapkan syabas untuknya. blog ini benar-benar meraikan kejujuran walaupun ia hanya keluar dari mulut (dan jari jemari) seekor budak setan!!

Nobody Knows (It But Me) : Tony Rich Project

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown, I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling at night and
Nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night as if
I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can you get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle
It's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say
Just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be loving you still

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting
The dusty road
Gonna find you wherever
Ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart and hope
You come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

kerja macam anjing, tidur macam kayu balak (bahagian tiga)

Seperti yang dijangka, aku tak dapat ikut serta rakan-rakan GJ berseronok di KLD, biarpun gembar gembur promosi di merata blog GJ memang menggiurkan dan memberahikan.

Sekitar maghrib, aku masih di opis menghempas tulang empat kerat. Dapat pula SMS dari salah sorang boss yang berbunyi: meet on Sunday at 12pm.

Damn!!

Yea! To look on a brighter side it means I still have a job. But the ugly side of staying on job, I have to go to work even on weekends. ahah!! Everything has a price, eh?

Petang tadi, sekitar 5.30 petang, Borg singgah sekejap dan bertanya jika aku boleh balik pada waktu itu. Wajah aku yang sememangnya bengang kerana baru saja dihentak keras oleh boss sedikit menakutkannya.

"Jangan marah kita!"

Damn! Am not angry at her!! But then, neither can I switch my mood just like that. Yes, my dear! Even the presence of my wife wouldn't cool it down.

Selepas dia pergi, aku sedikit menyesal kerana berkasar. But this is me. I'm in a mad, bad and sad state. Sorry, I can't be perfect.

She sent me a SMS around 9pm. I'm still in the office.

"Abah baby, bila nak balik? Mummy rindu kat abah. Mummy masak sedap-sedap untuk abah. Kalau kerja tu, jangan tensen-tensen, marah-marah. Sabar banyak-banyak. Baby tunggu abah kat rumah, OK?"

:|

Yes! You don't have to remind me, how ungrateful I can be sometime.

Aerosmith : Amazing ( Tyler / R. Supa )

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
And tryin' to walk through the pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door... heh ha
I was so sick n' tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishing that I... would die

It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light'a
Oh... It's amazing
A when the moment arrives
That you know you'll be alright
Yeah... It's amazing
And I'm saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot's a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow bring... yeah

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen
To all that righteous talk... oh yeah
I was out on the street
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay... alive

It's amazing
A with a blink of an eye
You finally see the light
Oh... it's amazing
A when the moment arrives
That you know you'll be alright
Oh... it's amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight
The desperate hearts
Desperate hearts
Really wanna see what I can give what I got
Oh oh no
Wha na naa na na naaaa..... ooohhhha yeah.....

"30 tahun hidup membujang. kemudian kahwin. 4 hari kena tinggal dengan isteri terus demam!"

hampeh!!

itu apa yang mereka andaikan. apa yang sebenarnya aku berjaya sembunyikan dari pengetahun isteri dan mereka ialah apa yang aku lakukan selama ketiadaan isteri di rumah hingga menyebabkan aku mendapat sakit.

1. Pergi melepak sambil minum-minum di bawah titisan embun dengan kawan-kawan di restoran sampai pukul 2, 3 pagi. Yipeee!!

2. Kerja sampai larut malam. Tidak perlu risau untuk balik awal melihat isteri di rumah. Lagipun dengan sibuk bekerja dapat mengurangkan kerinduan. ahah!

3. Karaoke dengan rakan sekerja. Who cares how good you're singing, right? This ain't a WWW. Impress them well with your powerful scream and deafening roar.